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That's enough, kids
Itwas a lovely day at the park and Stella Bianchi was enjoying the sunshine
withher two children when a young boy, aged about four, approached her
two-year-oldson and pushed him to the ground.
“I'dwatched him for a little while and my son was the fourth or fifth child
he'dshoved,” she says.“I went over to them, picked up my son, turned to the boy
andsaid, firmly, ‘No, we don't push.’” What happened next was unexpected.
“Theboy's mother ran toward me from across the park,” Stella says.“I
thought shewas coming over to apologise, but instead she started shouting at me
for‘disciplining her child'. All I did was let him know his behavior
wasunacceptable. Was I supposed to sit back while her kid did whatever he
wanted,hurting other children in the process?”
Gettingyour own children to play nice is difficult enough. Dealing with
other people'schildren has become a minefield.
Inmy house, jumping on the sofa is not allowed. In my sister's house
it'sencouraged. For her, it's about kids being kids: “If you can't do it at
three,when can you do it?”
Eachof these philosophies is valid and, it has to be said, my son loves
visitinghis aunt's house. But I find myself saying “no” a lot when her kids are
over atmine. That's OK between sisters but becomes dangerous territory when
you'retalking to the children of friends or acquaintances.
“Kidsaren't all raised the same,” agrees Professor Naomi White of
MonashUniversity.“ But there's still an idea that they're the property of the
parents.We see our children as an extension of ourselves, so if you're saying
that mychild is behaving inappropriately, then that's somehow a criticism of
me.”
Inthose circumstances, it's difficult to know whether to approach the
childdirectly or the parent first. There are two schools of thought.
“I'dgo to the child first,”says Andrew Fuller, author ofTricky Kids.
“Usually a quiet reminder that ‘we don't do that here' is enough. Kids have
finely tuned antennae (直觉) for how to behave in different settings.”
Hepoints out that bringing it up with the parent first may make them
feelneglectful, which could cause problems. Of course, approaching the child
firstcan bring its own headaches, too.
Thisis why White recommends that you approach the parents first. “Raise
yourconcerns with the parents if they're there and ask them to deal with it,”
shesays.
Askedhow to approach a parent in this situation, psychologist Meredith
Fulleranswers:“Explain your needs as well as stressing the importance of
thefriendship. Preface your remarks with something like: ‘I know you'll think
I'msilly but in my house I don't want...'”
Whenit comes to situations where you're caring for another child, White
isstraightforward: “Common sense must prevail. If things don't go well, then
havea chat.”
There'rea couple of new grey areas. Physical punishment, once accepted from
any adult,is no longer appropriate. “Now you can't do it without feeling uneasy
aboutit,” White says.
Menmight also feel uneasy about dealing with other people's children. “Men
feelnervous,” White says. “A new set of considerations has come to the fore as
partof the debate about how we handle children.”
ForAndrew Fuller, the child-centric nature of our society has
affectedeveryone.“The rules are different now from when today's parents were
growingup,” he says, “Adults are scared of saying, ‘Don't swear', or asking a
child tostand up on a bus. They're worried that there will be conflict if they
pointthese things out—either from older children, or their parents.”
Hesees it as a loss of the sense of common public good and public courtesy
(礼貌), and says that adultssuffer form it as much as children.
MeredithFuller agrees.“A code of conduct is hard to create when you're
living in aworld in which everyone is exhausted from overwork and lack of sleep,
and aworld in which nice people are perceived to finish last.”
“It'sabout what I'm doing and what I need,” Andrew Fuller says. “The days
when a kidcame home from school and said, ‘I got into trouble', and dad said,
‘youprobably deserved it', are over. Now the parents are charging up to the
schoolto have a go at teachers.”
Thisjumping to our children's defense is part of what fuels the “walking on
eggshells”feeling that surrounds our dealings with other people's children.You
know that if you remonstrate (劝诫) with the child,you're going to have to deal
with the parent. It's admirable to be protectiveof our kids, but is it good?
“Childrenhave to learn to negotiate the world on their own, within
reasonableboundaries,” White says. “I suspect that it's only certain sectors of
thepopulation doing the running to the school—better-educated parents are
probablymore likely to be too involved.”
Whitebelieves our notions of a more child-centred society should be
challenged.“Today we have a situation where, in many families, both parents
work, so theamount of time children get from parents has diminished,” she
says.
“Also,sometimes when we talk about being child-centred, it's a way of
talking abouttreating our children like commodities (商品). We'recentred on them
but in ways that reflect positively on us. We treat them asobjects whose
appearance and achievements are something we can be proud of,rather than serve
the best interests of the children.”
Oneway over-worked, under-resourced parents show commitment to their
children isto leap to their defence. Back at the park, Bianchi's intervention
(干预) on her son's behalfended in an undignified exchange of insulting words with
the other boy'smother.
AsBianchi approached the park bench where she'd been sitting, other mums
came upto her and congratulated her on taking a stand. “Apparently the boy had
alongstanding reputation for bad behaviour and his mum for even worse
behaviourif he was challenged.”
AndrewFuller doesn't believe that we should be afraid of dealing with other
people'skids. “Look at kids that aren't your own as a potential minefield,” he
says. Herecommends that we don't stay silent over inappropriate behaviour,
particularlywith regular visitors. |
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发表于 2018-4-12 22:43:40