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发表于 2016-12-22 23:19:19
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When I camehere I had never written a 10-pape paper before. I’m not even
sure I’ve writtena 5-page paper. I was alarmed and intimidated by the calm eyes
of a fellowstudent who came here from Dalton or Exeter who thought that compared
to highschool the workload here was easy. I was completely overwhelmed and
thought thatreading 1000 pages a week was unimaginable, that writing a 50-page
thesis isjust something I could never do. I Had no idea how to declare my
intentions. Icould’t even articulate them to myself. I’ve been acting since I
was 11. But Ithought acting was too frivolous and certainly not meaningful. I
came from afamily of academics and was very concerned of being taken
seriously.
Incontrast to my inability to declare myself, on my first day of
orientationfreshman year, five separate students introduced themselves to me by
saying,I’m going to be president. Remember I told you that. Their names, for
therecord, were Bernie Sanders, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Barack Obama,
HilaryClinton. In all seriousness, I believed every one of them. Their bearing
andself-confidence alone seemed proof of their prophecy where I couldn’t shake
myself-doubt. I got in only because I was famous. This was how others saw me
andit was how I saw myself. Driven by these insecurities, I decided I was going
tofind something to do in Harvard that was serious and meaningful that
wouldchange the world and make it a better place.
At the age of18, I’d already been acting for 7 years, and assumed I find a
more serious andprofound path in college. So freshman fall I decided to take
neurobiology andadvanced modern Hebrew literature because I was serious and
intellectual.Needless to say, I should have failed both. I got Bs, for your
information, andto this day, every Sunday I burn a small effigy to the pagan
Gods of gradeinflation. But as I was fighting my way through Aleph Bet Yod Y
shua in Hebrewand the different mechanisms of neuro-response, I saw friends
around me writingpapers on sailing and pop culture magazines, and professors
teaching classes onfairy tales and The Matrix. I realized that seriousness for
seriousness’s sakewas its own kind of trophy, and a dubious one, a pose I sought
to counter somehalf-imagined argument about who I was. There was a reason that I
was an actor.I love what I do. And I saw from my peers and my mentors that it
was not onlyan acceptable reason, it was the best reason.
When I got tomy graduation, siting where you sit today, after 4 years of
trying to getexcited about something else, I admitted to myself that I couldn’t
wait to goback and make more films. I wanted to tell stories, to imagine the
lives ofothers and help others do the same. I have found or perhaps reclaimed
myreason. You have a prize now or at least you will tomorrow. The prize
isHarvard degree in your hand. But what is your reason behind it ? My
Harvarddegree represents, for me, the curiosity and invention that were
encouragedhere, the friendships I’ve sustained the way Professor Graham told me
not todescribe the way light hit a flower but rather the shadow the flower cast,
theway Professor Scarry talked about theatre is a teansformative religious
forcehow professor Coslin showed how much our visual cortex is activated just
byimaging.Now granted these things don’t necessarily help me answer the
mostcommon question I’m asked: What designer are you wearing? What’s your
fitnessregime? Any makeup tips? But I have never since been embarrassed to
myself aswhat I might previously have thought was a stupid question. My Harvard
degreeand other awards are emblems of the experiences which led me to them. The
woodpaneled lecture halls, the colorful fall leaves, the hot vanilla
Toscaninis,reading great novels in overstuffed library chairs, running through
dininghalls sceaming: Ooh! Ah! City steps! City steps! City steps! City
steps!
It’s easy now toromanticize my time here. But I had some very difficult
times here too. Some combination of being 19, dealing with my first heartbreak,
taking birth controlpills that since been taken off the market for their
depressive side effects,and spending too much time missing daylight during
winter mouths led me to somepretty dark moments, particularly during sophomore
year. There were several occasions where I started crying in meeting with
professors overwhelmed withwhat I was supposed to pull off when I could barely
get myself out of bed in the morning. Moments when I took on the motto for
school work. Done. Not good.If only I could finish my work, even if it took
eating a jumbo pack of sourPatch Kids to get me through a single 10-page paper.
I felt that I’veaccomplished a great feat. I repeat to myself. Done. Not
good.
A couple of years ago, I went to Tokyo with my husband and I ate at the
most remarkable sushi restaurant. I don’t even eat fish. I’m vegan. So that
tells you how goodit was. Even with just vegetables, this sushi was the stuff
you dreamed about.The restaurant has six seats. My husband and I marveled at how
anyone can makerice so superior to all other rice. We wondered why they didn’t
make a biggerrestaurant and be the most popular place in town. Our local friend
explain tous that all the best restaurants in Tokyo are that small and do only
one typeof dish: sushi or tempura or teriyaki. Because they want to do that
thing welland beautifully. And it’s not about quantity. It’s about taking
pleasure in theperfection and beauty of the particular. I’m still learning now
that it’s aboutgood and maybe never done. And the joy and work ethic and
virtuosity we bringto the particular can impart a singular type of enjoyment to
those we give toand of course, ourselves.
In my professionallife, it also took me time to find my own reasons for
doing my work. The firstfilm I was in came out in 1994. Again, appallingly, the
year most of you wereborn. I was 13 years old upon the film’s release and I can
still quote what theNew York Times said about me verbatim. Ms Portman poses
better than she acts.The film had universally tepid critic response and went on
to bombcommercially. That film was called The Professional, or Leon in Europe.
Andtoday, 20 years and 35 films later, it is still the film people approach
meabout the most to tell me how much they loved it, how much they moved them,
howit’s their favorite movie. I feel lucky that my first experience of releasing
afilm was initially such a disaster by all standards and measures.
I learnedearly that my meaning had to be from the experience of making film
and thepossibility of connecting with individuals rather than the foremost
trophies inmy industry: financial and critical success. And also these initial
reactionscould be false predictors of your work’s ultimate legacy, I started
choosingonly jobs that I’m passionate about and from which I knew I could
gleanmeaningful experiences. This thoroughly confused everyone around me:
agents,producers, and audiences alike. I made Gotya’s Ghost, a foreign
independentfilm and study our history visiting the produce everyday for 4 months
as I readabout Goya and the Spanish Inquisition. I made for Vendetta, studio
actionmovie for which I learned everything I could about freedom fighters
whomotherwise may be called terrorists, from Menachem Begin to Weather
Underground.I made Your Highness, a pothead comedy with Danny McBride and
laughed for 3months straight. I was able to own my meaning ant not have it be
determined bybox office receipts or prestige. By the time I got to making Black
Swan, theexperience was entirely my own. I felt immune to the worst things
anyone couldsay or write about me, and to whether the audience felt like to see
my movie ornot. It was instructive for me to see for ballet dancers once your
techniquegets to a certain level, the only thing that separates you from others
is yourquirks or even flaws. One ballerina was famous for how she turned
slightly offbalanced. You can never be the best, technically. Some will always
have ahigher jump or a more beautiful line. The only thing you can be the best
at isdeveloping your own self. Authoring your own experience was very much
whatBlack Swan itself was about. I worked with Darren Aronofsky the director
whochanged my last line in the movie to it was perfect. My character Nina is
onlyartistically successful when she finds perfection and pleasure for herself
notwhen she was trying to be perfect in the eyes of others. So when Black Swan
wassuccessful financially and I began receiving accolades I felt honored
andgrateful to have connected with people. But the true core of my meaning I
hadalready established. And I needed it to be independent of people’s reactions
tome. People told me that Black Swan was an artistic risk, a scary challenge
totry to portray a professional ballet dancer. But it didn’t feel like courage
ordaring that drove me do it. I was so oblivious to my own limits that I
didthings I was woefully unprepared to do. And so the very inexperience that
incollege had made me insecure and made me want to play by other’s rules now
ismaking me actually take risks I didn’t even realize were risks. When
Darrenasked me if I could do ballet I told him I was basically a ballerina which
bythe way I wholeheartedly believed. When it quickly became clear that
preparingfor film that I was 15 years away from being a ballerina. It made me
work amillion times harder and of course the magic of cinema and body doubles
helpedthe final effect.
But the point is, if I had known my own limitations I neverwould take of
the risk. And the risk led to one of my greatest artisticpersonal experiences.
And that I not only felt completely free. I also met myhusband during the
filming. Similarly, I just directed my first film, A Tale oflove in Darkness. I
was quite blind to the challenges ahead of me. The film isa period film,
completely in Hebrew in which I also act with an eight-year-oldchild as a
costar. All of these are challenges I should have been terrified of,as I was
completely unprepared for them but my complete ignorance to my ownlimitations
looked like confidence and got me into the director’s chair. Oncehere, I have to
figure it all out, and my belief that I could handle thesethings contrary to all
evidence of my ability or do so was only half thebattle. The other half was very
hard work. The experience was the deepest andmost meaningful one of my career.
Now clearly I’m not urging you to go andperform heart surgery without the
knowledge to do so! Making movies admittedlyhas less drastic consequences than
most professions and allows for a lot ofeffects that make up for mistakes. The
thing I’m saying is, make use of thefact that you don’t doubt yourself too much
right now. As we get older, we getmore realistic, and that includes about our
own abilities or lack thereof. Andthat realism does us no favors. People always
talk about diving into thingsyou’re afraid of. That never worked for me. If I am
afraid, I run away. And Iwould probably urge my child to do the same. Fear
protects us in many ways.What has served me is diving into my own obliviousness.
Being more confidentthan I should be which everyone tends to decry American
kids, and those of uswho have been grade inflated and ego inflated. Well. It can
be a good thing ifit makes you try things you never might have tried. Your
inexperience is anasset, and will allow you to think in original and
unconventional way. Acceptyour lack of knowledge and use it as your asset. I
know a famous violinist whotold me that he can’t compose because he knows too
many pieces so when hestarts thinking of the note an existing piece immediately
comes to mind. Juststarting out of your digest strengths is not known how things
are supposed tobe. You can compose freely because your mind isn’t cluttered with
too manypieces. And you don’t take for granted the way how things are. The only
way youknow how to do things is your own way. You here will all go on to achieve
greatthings. There is no doubt about that. Each time you set out to do something
newyour inexperience can either lead you down a path where you will conform
tosomeone else’s values or you can forge your own path. Even though you
don’trealize that’s what you’re doing. If your reasons are your own, your path,
evenif it’s a strange and clumsy path, will be wholly yours, and you will
controlthe rewards of what you do by making your internal life fulfilling.
At the risk of sounding like a Miss American Contestant, the most
fulfilling things I’veexperienced have truly been the human interactions:
spending time with women invillage banks in Mexico with FINCA microfinance
organization, meeting youngwomen who were the first and the only in their
communities to attend secondaryschools in rural Kenya with free the Children
group that built sustainableschools in developing countries tracking with
gorilla conservationists inRwanda. It’s cliché, because it’s true, that helping
other ends up helping youmore than anyone. Getting out of your own concerns and
caring about some else’slife for a while, remind you that you are not the
central of the universe. Andthat in the ways we’re generous or not, We can
change course of someone’s life.…have had the most lasting impact. And of
course, first and foremost, thecenter of my world is the love that I share with
my family and friends. I wishfor you that your friends will be with you through
it all as my friends fromHarvard have been together since we graduated. Grab the
good people around youand don’t let them go. To be or not to be is not the
question; the vitalquestion is how to be and how not to be. Thank you! I can’t
wait to see you doall the beautiful thins you will do. |
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