名师点评网友BEC初级作文(3)

英语自学网

本期作文题目：
        You are a manager at an auditors called Golding & Co. Your company has just merged with a competitor to become MasonGolding. You have been asked to inform stafff of the change of name.
        Write a memo of 40-50 words:
        informing staff of the new name.
        telling them when to start using the new name.
        asking staff to use only the new name after that time.
       
        样本 Sample writing (46 words)
        TO: All staff
        From: Mr. Port
        I would like to inform you that, following the recent merger with Mason and Son, the new name for our company will be MasonGolding. This name becomes official on 12th, Nov.2008. Please note that from this time, the new company name only should be used.
        Thank you.
       
        网友作文一：
        TO: ALL STAFF
        FROM: MANAGER
        SUBJECT: CHANGE THE COMPANY NAME
        As you know, (our company has merged last week)[1]. We decide to change the name. [2] From July. 8th the company name changes to MasonGolding.
        Please pay attention to use the new name for[3] instead when you have a meeting with client. [4]
        Thank you
       
        名师点评：
        [1]这句话明显是中文的痕迹，译成中文，中国人可以理解，外国人肯定不能。
        [2]既然并购就意味着要换公司的名字，怎么是we decide?在商务英语的写作中，主语一般都选择客体代词，避免应用主观性很强的句子。
        [3]Instead 可以直接放在句尾，不用介词。
        [4]这个范围也太有限了，难道只有和客户见面才用新名称么?整句改为：please use the new name officially from then.
       
        网友作文二：
        From: P.Jones
        To: all the staff
        Date: 9/21/2008
        Subject: the company name
        As our company has just merged with a compatitor[1] to become MasonGolding.We decieded to [2]start using the new name next week[3].Please using[4] the new name next week.If you have any promble,you can come to my office.[5]
        Thank you!
       
        名师点评：
        [1]这个就不要提了吧，并购成了一家人，没必要在公司内部的memo中有意提醒。
        [2]既然并购就意味着要换公司的名字，怎么是we decide?在商务英语的写作中，主语一般都选择客体代词，避免应用主观性很强的句子。
        [3]没有具体日期，你让员工们从什么时候开始用这个新名字?
        [4]Use
        [5]去掉，这句话是用在信件结尾的，而且，也不能说come to my office. 公司并购，换新名称，理所应当的，去你的办公室做什么?
       
        网友作文三：
        From: Office manager
        To: All staff
        Date: September 20, 2008
        Our company has merged with Mason. co recently. [1]The new name " MasonGolding" will take effect on October 1st. Please use the new name in your daily affairs[2] from then on. Thanks for your cooperation.
       
        名师点评：
        [1]开头这句改为分词，following the merger, ....
        [2]改为：routine work 或者其他可以表示日常工作的，affairs 一般是指报纸的一周大事记，或者个人事，比如：love affairs 就是桃色事件，第三者插足。
       
        网友作文四：
        Memo
        From:Sonia
        To:All staff
        Date:29 september 2008
        Re:The changed[1] name of our company
        As our company has merged with one of our competiter,[2]the name of our company has changed[3] into MasonGolding. All the staff should use our new name since 1 October, and we can only use the new name after that day
        If you have any question, please connect us. [4]
        Thank you!
       
        名师点评：
        [1]过去分词作定语或状语都是表示已经结束的动作，如果名字已经改完，就不用有这封memo 了。
        [2]改为介词短语after the merger,
        [3]时态错误，完成时表示已经了，应该是将来时。
        [4]去掉，名字问题毋庸置疑，没有商量。
       
        网友作文五：
        As the director board agreed to move toward a merger between our company and Mason, [1] the name of company will be changed. The new name MasonGolding become effective from next month[2].Please be noticed.
       
        名师点评：
        [1]好罗嗦的原因啊，董事会的决定你就不用提了。
        [2]太长的时间，也太不具体。