名师点评网友BEC初级作文(1)

英语自学网

本期作文题目：
        　　You are the office manager at an insurance company. You have arranged for contractors to upgrade your computer system. This means the system will be shut down for a full day.
        　 　Write a memo of 40-50 words:
        　　informing staff of the shutdown
        　　 telling them when it will happen
        　　asking them to prepare alternative work for the day.
        　　
        老师提示：
        　　商务写作中遵循的原则是：简洁，精确，礼貌。在考试中或者工作中，格式基本已经 给出，所以只需要我们写正文即可。正文中我们写作要做到选词精当，一针见血，语法正确，不出低级错误的句子。备忘录属于半正式的文体写作，所以在句子选择 上可以适当放宽，不必太正式。
        　　
        网友作文一：
        　　MEMORANDUM
        　　from : Tom TO : all staff
        　　date : 25/8
        　　Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so the system will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative work for the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .
        　　I think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]
        　　TOM
       
        名师修改意见：　
        [1]Business writing 中尽量少使用because....so... 这样的结构，看起来不够专业，改为：As we plan to upgrade.....
        [2]有中式英文的痕迹：我要求你们。。。。改为：please prepare alternative work if you have to use the computer.
        [3]这不能算作accident, 既然已经计划好了。整句去掉。换成thank you.
        　　
        网友作文二：
        　　From: office manager
        　　To: all staff
        　　Subject: the company system
        　　I would like to notify you that [1]the computer system of our company's will be shut down on this Tuesday for a whole day long [2]on account of the system needs a upgrade.[3]Therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potential inconveniences and troubles on Tuesday, yet prepare alternative work for that day. [4]
        　　Thank you.[5]
       
        名师修改意见：　　
        [1]去掉这个开头，直接用被动语态开头。
        [2]去掉，多余了。
        [3]如果你不能保证用长复句可以表达清楚，那么建议换成短句吧。拆成几个短句也许表达更贴切呢。
        [4]这句话看起来非常不清楚，主语在哪里?please 的后面是吗?改成：please make sure that you have prepared alternative work.
        [5]另换一行
        　　
        网友作文三：
        　　Dear all:
        　　The file system will shtudown [1]due to system maintainance next Friday.
        　　It will take a full day to finish this job.[2]
        　　Please do not acccess the [3]file server that day and backup your files one it[4].
       
        名师修改意见：　　
        [1]够干练了，语法错误多。 Be shut down
        [2]去掉
        [3]Access to
        [4]On it?
        　　
        网友作文四：
        　　From: office Manager
        　　To: all staff
        　　Subject: upgarde of computer system
        　　As our computer system need to be upgraded, we have arranged the contarctors to upgrade the them [1]on Wedesday. On that day all computers should be shutted down for a full day, so you need arrange some alternative work for that day.
       
        名师修改意见：　　
        [1]第一: 不要重复使用前面已经用过的词;第二：指代错误，前面说的system 是单数，怎么到这里变成了them? 合成一句：as we have arranged the contractor to upgrade our computer system.