美国晚间脱口秀笑话一周精选（5月8日）

英语自学网

曾参加美国大选民主党党内初选的约翰·爱德华兹和妻子伊丽莎白一向被美国人视为夫妻恩爱美满婚姻的典范，尤其伊丽莎白和癌症不屈不挠的斗争使她成为美国人民心中的伟大女性。今年三月约翰向身患癌症的的妻子伊丽莎白承认自己有个情妇，这个情妇在今年二月生了一个女儿。
"Well, tomorrow, John Edwards' wife, Elizabeth Edwards, a great woman, is going to be on 'Oprah.' How many of you are going to watch that? How many of would you rather see her beat the crap out of her husband on 'Jerry Springer?'" --Jay Leno
“嗯，明天，约翰·爱德华兹的妻子伊丽莎白·爱德华兹，一位伟大的女性，要上奥普拉脱口秀了。你们有多少人会去看的？有多少人更希望看她在杰里·斯普林格脱口秀上狂扁她老公？”——杰·雷诺
"Former presidential candidate John Edwards has admitted that Federal investigators are looking into his presidential campaign finances and the fact that he paid over $100,000 to his mistress. Edwards is denying any impropriety -- he said his mistress earned every penny." --Jay Leno
“前总统候选人约翰·爱德华兹已经承认联邦调查员正在调查他的竞选资金和他曾给过他情妇十万多美元的事实。爱德华兹不承认这有任何不妥当——他说他的情妇每一分钱都是应得的。”——杰·雷诺
"John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used
campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here's my question: why
can't we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet?" --Jay Leno
“约翰·爱德华兹正在因为是否使用竞选资金给情妇封口费的问题接受调查。我的问题是：我们为什么不能找到一笔封口费堵住乔·拜登的嘴呢？”——杰·雷诺
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美国媒体报道，最高法院法官苏特（Souter）正在计划退休，这就给了奥巴马一个首次任命大法官的机会。
美国的大法官是终身职位，一共有九位，他们在任期内会对美国法律乃至真个美国社会都产生深远影响。在2000年美国大选的时候因为佛罗里达州选票统计的问题，小布什和戈尔对簿公堂，最后的裁定就是由美国最高法院下达的，因此就有了“法官们选总统的眼光”问题。
"A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president." --Jay Leno
“最高法院有个空缺，有段日子没看到这种事情了，咱们只能希望总统挑法官的眼光会比法官们选总统的眼光好了。”——杰·雷诺
"They say President Obama will most likely pick a woman. And I think that's probably true, because today, Clarence Thomas was seen renting porn." --Bill Maher
“他们说奥巴马极有可能挑选一位女性，我想这可能是真的，因为今天，克拉伦斯·托马斯被看见租黄片儿了。”——比尔·马歇
"President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That's fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn't it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?" --Craig Ferguson
“奥巴马总统极有可能在本周末选出一位最高法院的法官候选人，这挺快的。没有什么能够阻碍总统，但是他花了十倍的时间去选一只狗，这难道不让人担心吗？”——克莱格·弗格森
"Barack Obama may choose Hillary Clinton as Souter's replacement. So the big question now is, well, can she make the transition from pantsuits to robes." --David Letterman
“巴拉克·奥巴马可能会选择希拉里·克林顿作为苏特的继任者。于是现在最大的问题就是，呃，她能适应从套装到长袍的转变吗？”——大卫·莱特曼
"Well, as you know, Supreme Court judge is a job for life. There's only one other job in Washington that's a job for life. That's on the Joe Biden Clarification and Apology Unit. And that's 24/7. That's very hectic." --Jay Leno
“嗯，大家都知道哈，最高法院的工作是终身制的。华盛顿还有另外一个终身制的工作，就是乔·拜登澄清和道歉小组，还是24小时×7天工作的，那也太让人脸红了。”——杰·雷诺
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