大学英语四级考试写作典型例文精彩点评(二)

英语自学网

　　例5.(14分段)
        　　It can be discerned that the American students prefer to read the popular novel rather than other kind of books, such as the nonpopular (unpopular) novel, the books of technology, poem and so on. The percentage of the popular novel current(currently) is about 68.2%. Other kind of novels' current(currently) is, reletively (relatively), about 16.8%, 8.3%, and 5.2%.
        　　It is not hard to think out why the popular novels can attract so many students. The popular novel is interesting, and not so abstract as books that full of the mathmatic formulate(mathematic formulae). However, as university students, study is the first task for us to do. So we should pay more attention to the books about our major. Fictions may color our life, but it can not be the key part of our studying life.
        　　Personally, I would like to spend my free time in reading books about my major, such as technology digests, computer newspaper... Because I want do to(删掉) a good job in my subjects. Fortunately, my dreams come true, meanwhile, I 've gained other things--I found(have founded) a solid basic knowledge about my major(加破折号)make me feel easy to contrive the electronic circuit which have to be done during our bachelor years. Thanks to those books!
        　　点评：(1)切题。
        　　(2)论证比较有力，表达思想清楚。
        　　(3)文字通顺，连贯性较好，但有个别语言错误。
        　　注： 文中划线部分为原文的一些明显语言错误，括号里的为修改建议，为保持原文面貌，对于结构没有做过多改动。
        　　2003年6月考试四级作文题：An Eye-Witness Account of a Traffic Accident
        　　假设你在某日某时某地目击一起车祸，就此写一份见证书。
        　　见证书须包括以下几点：
        　　1、车祸发生的时间及地点;
        　　2、你所见到的车祸情况;
        　　3、你对车祸原因的分析。
        　　例1. (2分段)
        　　At 9:00, Jan. 20, 2003, I eye-witness a traffic accident in Dongfang Street.
        　　I see that a(an) old people is hitted (hit)by a car.
        　　In my opinion, the rapid driver is the main reason, but the old people also has his error.
        　　点评：(1)字数明显不够，尽管都点题了，但只有三句话。
        　　(2)有语法错误。
        　　例2.(5分段)
        　　In my opinion, the driver of Benz auto should be blamed on(for) the traffic accident. It was his drunk driving that resulted in this accident.
        　　It is not(no) doubt that the traffic accident is a high(hot) topic in the modern(modern) society, different people have different attitude (attitudes) to this.
        　　When it come(comes) to the accident, people think it responsible for the driver. But last Sunday I see(saw) a(an) accident. A woman crossed a street when a car turn(turned at) the crossing .it is too late to stop the car ,The women was bad(badly) hurt. The people who was walking along the street took the woman to hospital, (and) the driver came with them.
        　　As far as (I am) concerned, the both sides have responsibility for this, begin(at the beginning), the woman shouldnot cross the street. Forthemore, the driver should pay more attention. Last. we should take proper measure .Only (when) we take the measure and we (become) more careful can we have a colorful (life) tomorrow.
        　　点评：(1)本文基本切题。
        　　(2)但有的地方表达思想不清楚，层次不够清楚。如第二段把描述车祸情况和发生原因混为一谈，而最后一段的总结又很牵强。
        　　(3)全文有比较多的语言错误，而且有些是严重的错误。
        　　例3.(8分段)
        　　At 9:00am October 25st(25th) 2003, I saw a traffic accident on Daxue Road. At that time, I was on my way to school.
        　　例1. (2分段)
        　　此分段标准为条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有严重错误。
        　　为了不影响市容，给大家造成负面影响，故此处略去100字……
            
            

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        　　例2.(5分段)
        　　It is descerned that(删掉)the number of pirate(private) houses had been on a(an) increase from 1990 to 2000.In 1990, it was about 20 percent; In 1995 it was 40 percent; In 2000, it was 80 percent.
        　　There were some reasons for this fact. One of them was the improvement of people's living conditions(condition), all people wanted to own pirate houses.
        　　On the other hand, people's income was on a(an) increase, they could afford to buy pirate houses!
        　　Obviously, there were some good things resulted from this fact. Such as it could improve Chinese economy. But there were also some bad things, such as it took much time to go to work!
        　　点评：(1)本文基本切题。
        　　(2)字数不够，要酌情扣分。
        　　(2)第一段描述图表不应该单列举出数字，而是应该重点描写变化趋势 ;第二段说明理由不够充分;第三段说明影响有点牵强。
        　　(4)全文语言错误较多。
        　　例3.(8分段)
        　　From the graph it is clear that the percentage of the state owned house in china in a city has decreased greatly from 75% in 1990 to 20% in 2000, while the private house has increased sharply. what has caused these changes?
        　　There are, I think, at least two main reasons for these changes. to begin with, with the development of the technology and science, people"s living standard has improved greatly and they can afford to buy high-graded things such as TV, computer and even house. Secondly it is due to the mind people hold and the ecomonic policy. As is known to all, the price of house is often very high, and people must (used to) save their money (for) many years, (however,)as their minds changed, they went to the bank to borrow money and the ecomonic policy also encouraged them to do so. There may be some other reasons, but the above mentiond are commonly acceptable.
        　　To conclude, the ownership of houses reflect the development of our country and people are enjoying a better life, I am firmly sure that the productivity of the society will keep improving and people will enjoy a more affluent life in the near future.
        　　点评：(1)本文基本切题，语句基本通顺
        　　(2)第一段描述图表太简单，第二段有些地方表达思想不够清楚，第三段太简单。
        　　(3)不少语言错误。
        　　例4.(11分段)
        　　As is shown by the bar chart, we can see that great changes have been taken place in a big city in China during the year from 1990 to 2000. The number of stated-owned houses is on the decline, while the private houses are(is) on the rise.
        　　To get the sourse(source) of this changes, it is nature for us to come up with the following reasons. In the first place, owning to the advance in people's living standard ,people are better off today, and they have more money to buy a house .In the second place , with the development of society and economy, some achievements have been maken(made) in housing construction. Last but not least, thanks to the increasing consciousness of confortable(comfortable) life, people are in favor of buying a house. All this results in the boom of private housing.
        　　Benefits of this(these) changes are obvious. It is advantage to both people and society. For one thing, with house, people can enjoy their confortable(comfortable) life. For another, this(these) changes can stimulate our nation's economic development.
        　　点评：(1)切题。
        　　(2)表达思想清楚，语句通顺。
        　　(3)但有少量语言错误。
        　　例5.(14分段)
        　　It can be obviously seen from the chart above that our modern society has experienced a great change, and in the last decade, from 1990 to 2000, more and more people prefer private houses to state-owned ones.
        　　There are a lot of reasons for it. First of all, state-owned houses lack the individualized characteristics, which are highly advocated in the modern society today. In addition, The declining prices of the private houses, with the skyrocketing income of people in recent years, contribute to the increase of purchases of private houses because, after all, economy is the most basic factor each family or individual can decide on. At last, the purchases of private houses can entitle consumers to a more flexible selection in terms of location, house type and even the relevant service than that of its state-owned counterpart.
        　　This phenomenon, in my opinion, has not only upgraded the quality and standard of life of people , but also improved the value of consumption of our modern society. And it is more significant that the phenomenon has formed a social atmosphere in our life in which everyone strives harder and harder for the sake of his life and future.
        　　点评：(1)切题。
        　　(2)表达思想清楚，论证比较有力。
        　　(3)文字通顺，连贯性好，但有少量语言错误。