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In a healthy relationship, partners support one another but are perfectly capable of leading their own lives. In a codependent relationship, an enabler constantly comes to the rescue of his or her partner and consequently encourages negative or unhealthy behavior. Below, marriage therapists share six signs you’re the enabler in a relationship ― and how to put an end to unhealthy behavioral patterns.在一段健康良好的关系中，伴侣之间能够相互扶持，同样也能够完全处理好自己的生活。在相互依赖的关系中，一方往往会（名义上解救，实际上干预）另一半，然后导致关系中出现负面影响以及后果。来看看婚姻治疗师列举的6种会影响到你们之间关系的做法，这会告诉你如何杜绝此类现象的发生。
1. You consistently put your partner’s needs before your own. 总是把伴侣的需求看得比自己的重要
In a codependent relationship, the enabler focuses on the feelings and needs of the other partner, usually at the expense of their own, said Andrea Wachter, a marriage and family therapist in Northern California. While it may make them feel good about themselves ― saintly, even ― it’s not healthy. “In solid relationships, each person factors in their own truth and their own needs,” she said. “But people can only do this if they feel worthy of having needs.”To change this dynamic, Wachter recommends enablers get in the habit of saying “no” ― or at least waiting to make a decision. 来自南加州的婚姻家庭治疗专家Andrea Wachter 认为，在相互依赖的关系中，往往牺牲自己的利益，有一方把对方的感受和需求放在首位。让对方自我感觉良好，甚至把自己当成大爷，这是病态的。稳固的关系意味着其中的每个人，有着自己的信条（处事原则）和需求，除非你确实有需要你才可以这么做。要改变这种情况，你要学会拒绝，或者至少不要急着做决定。
2. You apologize too much.你老是道歉
Enablers hate conflict, which is why they often find themselves over-apologizing, said Amanda Deverich, a marriage and family therapist in Williamsburg, Virginia.“They’ll do anything to maintain that connection and that includes soothing the other person by apologizing, even for stuff that is not their fault,” she said.To break this bad habit, enablers should get comfortable with a little discord in relationships. Not every argument needs to be resolved that very moment, Deverich said.“When you can’t let a problem remain unresolved, it leads to concessions you wouldn’t otherwise make,” she said. “A more productive step would be to channel all that energy into self-care and boundary setting.” 弗吉尼亚州威廉斯堡的婚姻家庭问题治疗专家，在关系中委曲求全的一方总是道歉，他们竭尽所能维持一段关系，甚至不是他们的错，也会给对方道歉。要改变这个习惯，要试着学会适应，哪怕双方关系中有点小变扭。如果你一定要在第一时间解决，那你除了妥协别无他法。有效的方法是，把精力投入到自己的身上，同时要划清界限。
3. You think no one can handle issues better than you. 你觉得自己无所不能目空一切
Enablers often assume that if they don’t get things done, no one will. That thought is not only a little egotistical, it’s unhealthy, said Linda Lipshutz, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida.“Ultimately, the belief that no one else can handle the situations as well as we can is misguided,” she said.If this is a problem for you, Lipshutz recommends ceding some control and not allowing your “ego and identity get so tied up in other’s successes or failures.”弗罗里达棕榈滩花园的婚姻和家庭问题治疗专家认为，关系中比较强势的一方往往认为除了自己其他人都办不到。这不仅仅是有点自大，而是病态。最终，这种观念是一种误导。如果你有这种问题，那就试着放手，不要把对方的成功和失败和自己联系的太过紧密。
4. The relationship never seems to get better. 你们的关系好像没有升温过
No matter what enablers do, problems continue to crop up and reoccur in their relationships. That’s usually because the other spouse is putting in little to no effort of their own, Deverich said. “The privileged partner is allowing the enabler to absorb the difficulties in the relationship,” she said. “No amount of accommodating, soothing or solving can change anything if your partner is not changing.” `Remember: You can’t do it all. To make inroads in changing this pattern, Deverich said to give your partner an opportunity to fix problems as they come.不管双方怎么做，问题还是层出不穷，屡屡发生。问题的症结在于双方都没有为对方有任何的改变。得宠的一方总是让对方处理难题。如果你的伴侣不愿意做出牺牲，那么你再多的谅解、抚慰和自我解决都无济于事。记住，你不能包办一切。要解决这个问题的方法就是，等下次有问题的时候要给你的伴侣机会来解决。Deverich如是说。
5. Your life revolves around your partner. 你的生活就是一天到晚的围着你伴侣转
You share a life together but you should have passions and interests outside of your marriage. Enablers often put their own hobbies and personal goals on the back burner, Wachter said. “Your life shouldn’t orbit around the people closest to you,” she said. “Start asking yourself what you truly love to do. Aside from the family and friends you care about, what other interests do you have?”Dig deep to uncover new and old passions, Wachter said, and make a real effort to explore those interests on your own. 你们一起生活，但是在婚姻之外你也要有自己的热情和爱好。但是往往一方把自己的这些爱好和追求放在次要位置。来问问自己你内心喜爱的是什么？除了你的家庭朋友以外，你还有什么其他爱好？来挖掘内心尘封已久的热情，将它们重新点燃。花些精力来寻找自己的爱好，Wachter建议道。
6. To some extent, you see your spouse as helpless.某种程度上，你嫌TA干啥啥不行
Enablers look at their partner and see someone who needs help: Help getting ahead in work, help getting their personal finances in order, help just getting by day-to-day. But in all likelihood, the person was capable of handling things before the enabler came along, and they’ll be just as capable if their partner backs away a bit, Lipshutz said. “It may be important to continually ask ourselves: ‘Is the other person truly capable of handling these matters on their own?’” she said.Sometimes, partners may truly need help and support, but other times, it’s more effective to let them do it and learn on their own, Lipshutz said.“At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that not all helpful gestures are truly helpful.”一方看待对方就像是需要帮助的人：支持TA在工作上争先，将TA们的个人账务管理的仅仅有条，或者帮助TA处理日常事务。但是十有八九在另一半还没有出现的时候，他们可以处理好自己的的事情，所以如果另一半懂得放手他们自己也一样能够处理好。我们应该问自己，另一半确实不能自己处理好这些事情么，这一点很重要。有时候他们确实需要我们的帮助和支持，但是其他时候让他们自己学着去做才更加有效。最后你要记得，不是所有的帮助都是真正的帮助。
声明：本双语文章的中文翻译系沪江英语原创内容，转载请注明出处。中文翻译仅代表译者个人观点，仅供参考。如有不妥之处，欢迎指正。 |
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发表于 2017-3-15 21:13:46