托福写作高分范文：青少年的独立
This well-developed essay meets all the criteria for earning a score of 5.The writer develops the topic through a detailed discussion of independence and
of the suitability of living independently. The essay is unified and coherent.
Sentence structure is varied, especially in paragraphs 2 and 3. The writer does
not use high-level vocabulary, but word choice is correct throughout. There are
minor errors (“University graduated students,” “fulfill their necessities”), but
these in no way interrupt the flow or meaning of the essay.
Score 5 Essay—Sample 2
Independence! Who doesn't want independece? But the bigger question is how
much of an independence is being discussed here? Generally, when teenagers grow
up, their needs and habit of living change. Some would like their parents to be
in control of the major decisions of their lives, while on the other hand, some
would not like their parents to be involved in any sort of decision making
process of their lives. In my opinion, the young adults should always consult
their parents as their guides. I will try to demonstrate my point in the
following paragraphs.
Let's assume a teenager grows up into a young adult. Now a major decision
that he/she might have had to make was to what college/university they were
going to attend. If we assume that the person seek complete independence from
the early age, then they are generally going to make the decision themselves.
But even if they made this desicion by themself, what is the probability that
this is the best desicion. We all would agree that the best lesson learned is
from a mistake, but why even let that happen? This is the most important
decision they would have to make so far, and if they don't ask around, if they
don't look at the wider picture, how are they supposed to end up at their very
best opportunity? This is what is known as a making/breaking point because this
decision of theirs can make or break a very powerful potential future.
Now, suppose they passed the first make/break point. Then comes another one
when they are going to marry. Normally, in the western culture, the man and the
woman choose their marriage partners themselves, so this is not much of an
important issue here. But, what about the cultures that predominantly have
arranged marriages? In that case, choosing a husband or a wife could be a huge
decision, because generally the marriages are not as easily broken as in the
western culture. So, when it comes to this point, one would definately want to
know their parents thinking and their previous experiance. This could come in
very handy when one has a choice to make.
To sum it up, it is very good idea to ask for parents guides, and is never
a bad a idea to give up a part of independence for a better future.
Rater's Comments
This essay has a rather informal, conversational tone and an “argument”
that is coherently an (fully developed. Sentence structure is varied throughout,
and the writer consistently demonstrate~ command of language and English idioms,
especially by using various informal expression~ (“Let's assume,” “we would all
agree,” “can make or beak” “come in very handy”). The essay meets all the
criteria for a score of 5.
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